were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
