My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
