I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
