My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
