I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
