I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
