I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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