Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
