why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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