drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
