I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
