I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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