I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
