I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
