Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
