I smell stomach acid.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
