I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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