I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
