You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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