I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
