i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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