i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
farters have to be the big spoon...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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