Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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