I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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