Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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