i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
