FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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