So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
