When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
