At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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