I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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