You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
