i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
being pregnant is like rehab
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
