don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
