the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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