Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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