she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
