too bad you live with your parents still
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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