My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
