So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
