she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
