On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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