Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
