im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
