The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
