you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
