Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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