apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
