I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
