I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
