Already got asked if we're dating
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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